I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
We need more people like this.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*