Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

No. YOU-buprofen.

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.