Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog:

What a chick magnet..

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

I am preparing a divorce case with graphic compromising photos and they are scattered on my living room floor as I mark each one with exhibit stickers. My mom walks in and glances at the floor and says, “Oh! Are you making a scrapbook? I want to help!”

No. No you do not.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.