Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

*exercises sarcastically*

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband