Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.