I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
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Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Milk Cube
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
mechanics be like
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Customize Your Wedding.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care