Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”

Me: $400 and 2 unread messages

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

lol