Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

me: can i get some ketchup?

waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant

me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what

My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.

Well played, old man. Well played.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you