I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
You Might Also Like
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.