I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
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Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.