I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
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A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
also my go-to takeaway order
