Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

“Your colon will thank you”

Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

*trying to write a journal article*

*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

mom gave me mine for free

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂