I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
You deplete me
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Have we checked all food to see if exploding it makes it into something better or did we just stop with corn?
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!