I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
You Might Also Like
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
what
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*