Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia