In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
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With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest