Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

I can’t wait!

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine