I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
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Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Did I do this right
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
british sex workers really pound for pound
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.