I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
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Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers