Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.

“Cows kill more people than sharks.”

“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do

I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

8: but grandma let me

Me: well my mom is cooler than yours

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.