I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
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Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Livid.
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Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.