@SamuelHLowe

I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?

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@mattvalleau

Pet Review: Horses

Cost: Thousands of dollars
Pros: Bragging about owning a horse
Cons: Can literally kick your face off, big teeth

1.5/10

@realHamOnWry

I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.

@CaniacMONK

*Sees thing on floor

*Vacuums over said thing

*Vacuum cant pick it up

*Picks up thing

*Looks at it

*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

@StellaRtwot

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

@smedlee

The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.

@AristotlesNZ

We’ll take these $75 baby shoes. No need for a shoe box. We’ll just let him wear & outgrow them on the car ride home.

@Staggfilms

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?