@SamuelHLowe

I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?

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@IamEveryDayPpl

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

@mattZillaaaa

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

@SufficientCharm

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

@Darlainky

I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.

@HunkyBeefy

“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“An octopus?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”

@JackieMartling

A couple’s having breakfast. He says, “Were you faking it last night?” She says, “No, I was really asleep.”

@Lhlodder

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

@Parkerlawyer

I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.

@ShootyDoody

Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.

@RodLacroix

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.