I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?

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Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”


“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door


*weighs self*


*takes clothes off*


*takes tampon out*


I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.


“What has 8 arms, is ominous looking and ink is its weapon of choice?”
“An octopus?”
“No Jeff, the answer is my wife’s 4 divorce attorneys”


A couple’s having breakfast. He says, “Were you faking it last night?” She says, “No, I was really asleep.”


Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.


I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.


Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.


Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.