I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
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LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?
That’s me, looking for hotdogs.
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.