I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
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It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.