Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.