I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”