“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.