I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
