I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
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ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.