I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
