I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
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Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
GM✌🏻
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
🤣could you imagine
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life