Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!

Her: She’s too young for you.

Me: Based on what?

Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..

Me:

i’m sure it’s fine

Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.