Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]

My Financial Advisor:

Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no

These 3D printers are insane!

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.