I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
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Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
So we got a goldfish…
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
After 35, your body ages in dog years
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.