Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.

You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.

Anyway, I lost an eye today.

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”