I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
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Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>