I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
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why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
classic mixup
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.