Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*