Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

Follow me for more life hacks.

*watches the world burn*

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.