I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
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6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*