Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

The Purge: Valentine’s Day

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?

Sorry! My Fault!

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.