I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
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I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
The USS B port
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
