I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
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My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
$4 #usedbooks
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Just a phase…
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist