I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
2022 will be better than 2021
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou