Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”

Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now