Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.

Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction

~Elena Gabrielle

[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]

She: I like Cats
He:

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

15: I smell upsexy.

Me: What the hell is upsexy?

15: Not much. What’s up with you?

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain