I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.