I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
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You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.