Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Covert ops

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Otters see a butterfly.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.

The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.