I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
You Might Also Like
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.