Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

Yamahahahahahahahahaha

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.

Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*

6yo: Oh no.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

So creative 😂

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone