Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

Good point.

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]

[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?