I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
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I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Has science gone too far?
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.