I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
That earthquake could have been an email.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.