Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

I’m too immature for adultery.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.

The big book of baby names but for safe words

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.