I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.