I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Just got to our Airbnb!
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him