I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I’m sorry I said “sorry about your eyebrows” when you showed me your wedding photos
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Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to watch?” was a rhetorical question
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
*first astronaut lands on Mars*
NASA: How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band
In the middle of an important meeting I quietly pass my boss a post-it note. It just says ‘girl cats have wherskers’. He nods
I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.
If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait… that’s for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon