@LolaLuvsLollies

I’m sorry I said “sorry about your eyebrows” when you showed me your wedding photos

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@GrantTanaka

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

@iwearaonesie

Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to watch?” was a rhetorical question

@fro_vo

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

@UncleDuke1969

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

@MarkusJ

*first astronaut lands on Mars*
NASA: How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band

@mrjohndarby

In the middle of an important meeting I quietly pass my boss a post-it note. It just says ‘girl cats have wherskers’. He nods

@UGotMeRight

I think I’ll go to church this morning. I need to repent all my sins & pray for the neighbors wife to covet me.

@SuperJuanderer

If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait… that’s for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.

@sofarrsogud

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon