I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
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Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Europe. Made in Germany.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?