I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down