I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home