I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.