I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I don’t hate children, just yours.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps