I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
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I have written yet another poem about laundry
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Your secret is safeish with me
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing