Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please

Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?

McConaughey: I don’t know

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?

Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕

Pac-Man: again?

Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

Meow

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*