Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do dragons blow out candles?

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.

“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Donkey Kong sommelier

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy