I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
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moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
About to throw up
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history