Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.

Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

my first day as a raccoon

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study