I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Better luck next time champ
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops