I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
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Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.