I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Lmfao
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Not today, today.
Not today.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.