I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.
Me: And the drawback?
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now