Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .

2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.

3rd Guy: I agree.

4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.

1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🍩

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks