I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
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[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious