I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
The “baby” on the left….
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off