I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
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Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.