Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.

[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

That’s amazing.

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

mechanics be like