Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

[frisky in the bedroom]

Me: yeah, hurt me 😏

Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

dads on road-trips be like

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat