I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
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If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Important
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.