I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
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Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
The funk soul brother
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.