I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
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[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?