I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
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seems like a niche market
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.